its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
