How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
