I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize