I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
