how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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