He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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