ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
