My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
