my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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