Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
