Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
