i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
