If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
