the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
