I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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