Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
