By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
