I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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