I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
