I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
