Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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