1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
