I heard we made out
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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