He kissed a someone with a penis
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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