I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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