I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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