I showed him my bush... on skype.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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