'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
