Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
