Capitaan dildo arrescate!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize