Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
