Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
