There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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