you're like a bully in the Christmas story
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
