Your mouth is God's brothel.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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