Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
