im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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