theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
