I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
