I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
