WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
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