apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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