Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I deserve this hangover.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
