I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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