My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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