New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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