haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
