I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
