i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize