I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
