You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
dude. I can hear the air.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
