can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
