Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
