Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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