if you like me you must not know who I am
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i would punch a child for taco bell
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
