I looked at my own cervix.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
