I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
