i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
