Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
