We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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