come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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