I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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